disappear into reality

These days I find myself getting stuck in the places where real life and the virtual world collide.

Online it can be quite easy to get caught up in things that have no actual substance. You can easily be fooled into thinking something is real or has value when in fact it has no value at all. ._.

Lately I have been feeling quite detached from my own life. It just doesn’t feel like I even belong. This really isn’t anything new it’s just that I’m getting older. Time seems to be moving by at a pace that I’ve totally lost the ability to keep up with.

It’s hard to describe but it feels like I somehow got off track and now I'm floating out in a void.

Reasons… reasons… there are many. I’ve been using the internet to try and find a place to belong for quite some time. Since the end of grade school/beginning of high school to be exact.

I didn’t have a lot of close friends back then. I didn’t have much in common with anyone. I still don’t.

I remember so many times I would try to strike up a conversation and be met with a blank stare or one of those looks that just made me feel worthless. I never knew how to handle a situation like that back then. Now if someone gives me one of those looks I call them on it. Who the hell do they think they are. If they don’t get it or don’t understand then they should say so. I’ve learned that if all a person can manage in such a situation is a stupid look or blank stare then they probably aren’t worth talking to anyhow.

I have met quite a few good people on the internet in one form or another. If I vanished though I would likely just be one less piece of data to them. I kind of want to matter to someone and have that feeling that’s so hard to find.

Truth be told I have no idea what I would do in place of messing around on the internet. My social skills are incredibly lacking in most situations. I can get by… but the crowd I go with itself isn’t terribly social friendly.

I think maybe the time has come for me to walk away from the virtual world altogether. I need something real, something to hold onto. I don’t think I’m going to find that on the internet. Some people might say I need to strike a balance. The problem is most of these people have never been as deep into the abyss of the internet as I have. Withdrawn to a point where nobody even wants to try and help you anymore.

What brought this about? Another in a long line of incidents. Watching people, learning what things mean, interpreting them. I have been doing this my whole life. Hoping to understand how other people work in hopes of figuring myself out. For quite some time I would simply force myself to ignore the data I gleamed off of peoples actions. Let myself hope I was wrong. False hope is no longer an option. I’m tired of being right about these things. I’m tired of not taking action when it is due.

I’ve lost a lot this year. Time will see to it that I lose more. I need to find something… something to keep me moving on into the future.

I keep saying to myself in my head: 

“There’s always Plan B” “What’s Plan B?”  “There is no plan B.”

I"m not even sure what exactly It means …

I’m not making any changes yet. I’m going to let the universe take another kick at the ball that is my life. I don’t hold out much hope though. I think this time I probably need to make the leap.

anime girls

So I have this thing. I like the ladies that like the technology. Specifically the ones that like anime n’ such.  I don’t know very many but the ones I do know I like quite muchly. o_o

Recently started talking with a lady who is quite into Japanese type things. I’ve started to find these types of things quite interesting myself and have been spending time reading up on them. Makes me wish I had learned another language when I was young.

I started writing this mostly because my brain sort of stalled out and I’m trying to get it going again. >.>

wind… doh’s 7

So I upgraded my laptop from vista to win 7. Why? Because my laptop ran like a bag of crap with vista on it.

The upgrade took a bit of time… I started it at 10:30pm and at 2:30am it was still going. To be fair I did an upgrade instead of a clean install.

I’m writing this entry using windows live writer just to see how it goes.

I’m not a big fan of the task bar and start menu. In previous versions of windows I always just set it to the old style. Not sure how or if you can do that in this version.

the impression that i get.....

I've always sort of been aware of my ability to create bad first impressions. Any sort of impression for that matter. It's a skill honed over many a year of being just plain terrible at social situations.

Most of my long time friends/acquaintances are aware of this ability and have either accepted it or written me off as a lost cause.

I even manage to surprise myself sometimes though. Oh boy! Curse you bottle caps and black light!!! lol Couple that with references to things nobody else has ever heard of and ..... magic! I truly am out of touch with most people.

So yeah, I haven't made a post in some time... I went through quite a bit of a change thought wise recently. Went to rock bottom and then back up. Paid off my debt from college and I am working on saving money to get a place and get on with my life (whatever that means).

I'm usually not much of a decision maker. My natural type of personality is to let someone else take the lead to avoid stress. Put me in a situation where nobody else will take the lead or things are uncertain and I tend to jump in and takeover.

I think this is an oldest child response to situations. The catch is, I got a dose of it again last night and I kind of realized I like it. I'm going to skip the waiting for people to take charge part and just do it myself for awhile. I don't really have any "real" stress right now and any that I create or imagine can be handled. I think I've grown up a little. I guess it makes sense I am almost 30 . :O aaaah!

Normally after a night like last night I'd be depressed and ready to crawl into a hole, this time, I just gotta laugh. All the stress of the situation kinda just blew up in my face and I cracked up all the way home. I mean murphy's law was in full effect. I'm pretty sure there are two, maybe three more people in the world now that think I'm mental. lol :)

I then spent the majority of the night and into the early morning chatting with people and watching videos on youtube or playing bejewelled blitz. Went to sleep around 4:30am and slept till about 3 in the afternoon.

Hanging out with some normal people was a bit of a wake up call. Man am I a dork! Not that there's anything wrong with that all of you dorks out there reading this. :) lol I just plain have very little to relate to normal people with. Sort of a catch 22 I guess.

Yeah! Go me. I'm probably going to write more for awhile. Keep my thoughts out there so I can look back on them later. Plus with all the people reading this I'll likely get some good/bad feedback to help me keep going.

/o.o/ woosh!