disappear into reality

These days I find myself getting stuck in the places where real life and the virtual world collide.

Online it can be quite easy to get caught up in things that have no actual substance. You can easily be fooled into thinking something is real or has value when in fact it has no value at all. ._.

Lately I have been feeling quite detached from my own life. It just doesn’t feel like I even belong. This really isn’t anything new it’s just that I’m getting older. Time seems to be moving by at a pace that I’ve totally lost the ability to keep up with.

It’s hard to describe but it feels like I somehow got off track and now I'm floating out in a void.

Reasons… reasons… there are many. I’ve been using the internet to try and find a place to belong for quite some time. Since the end of grade school/beginning of high school to be exact.

I didn’t have a lot of close friends back then. I didn’t have much in common with anyone. I still don’t.

I remember so many times I would try to strike up a conversation and be met with a blank stare or one of those looks that just made me feel worthless. I never knew how to handle a situation like that back then. Now if someone gives me one of those looks I call them on it. Who the hell do they think they are. If they don’t get it or don’t understand then they should say so. I’ve learned that if all a person can manage in such a situation is a stupid look or blank stare then they probably aren’t worth talking to anyhow.

I have met quite a few good people on the internet in one form or another. If I vanished though I would likely just be one less piece of data to them. I kind of want to matter to someone and have that feeling that’s so hard to find.

Truth be told I have no idea what I would do in place of messing around on the internet. My social skills are incredibly lacking in most situations. I can get by… but the crowd I go with itself isn’t terribly social friendly.

I think maybe the time has come for me to walk away from the virtual world altogether. I need something real, something to hold onto. I don’t think I’m going to find that on the internet. Some people might say I need to strike a balance. The problem is most of these people have never been as deep into the abyss of the internet as I have. Withdrawn to a point where nobody even wants to try and help you anymore.

What brought this about? Another in a long line of incidents. Watching people, learning what things mean, interpreting them. I have been doing this my whole life. Hoping to understand how other people work in hopes of figuring myself out. For quite some time I would simply force myself to ignore the data I gleamed off of peoples actions. Let myself hope I was wrong. False hope is no longer an option. I’m tired of being right about these things. I’m tired of not taking action when it is due.

I’ve lost a lot this year. Time will see to it that I lose more. I need to find something… something to keep me moving on into the future.

I keep saying to myself in my head: 

“There’s always Plan B” “What’s Plan B?”  “There is no plan B.”

I"m not even sure what exactly It means …

I’m not making any changes yet. I’m going to let the universe take another kick at the ball that is my life. I don’t hold out much hope though. I think this time I probably need to make the leap.