New to me

The last time I wrote here my life was pretty much as it had always been. I figured it was pretty much destined to stay that way forever.

That was then and this is now. Things have changed and for once I'm ok with that. It's an odd feeling being ok with change. I never really liked changed, still don't most of the time but this change is ok.

I am now married..... to the girl I had always wondered about, the girl I figured would never give me a chance. Well she gave me a chance, a few actually. Things were rocky at first but I just acted like myself and despite that she still stuck around. Turns out she's just about as crazy as me and if you put two equal parts of crazy together they tend to react well.
That's not to say it didn't take a lot of hard work and denial because it did. In the end everything all came together and I am quite happy.  Heck there's even a baby on the way. Lot's of neat things to be learned.

Maybe I'll start writing here again more often. I mean I did register a domain name awhile ago and point it to this blog because I always wanted to. http://www.xariol.com   :)

disappear into reality

These days I find myself getting stuck in the places where real life and the virtual world collide.

Online it can be quite easy to get caught up in things that have no actual substance. You can easily be fooled into thinking something is real or has value when in fact it has no value at all. ._.

Lately I have been feeling quite detached from my own life. It just doesn’t feel like I even belong. This really isn’t anything new it’s just that I’m getting older. Time seems to be moving by at a pace that I’ve totally lost the ability to keep up with.

It’s hard to describe but it feels like I somehow got off track and now I'm floating out in a void.

Reasons… reasons… there are many. I’ve been using the internet to try and find a place to belong for quite some time. Since the end of grade school/beginning of high school to be exact.

I didn’t have a lot of close friends back then. I didn’t have much in common with anyone. I still don’t.

I remember so many times I would try to strike up a conversation and be met with a blank stare or one of those looks that just made me feel worthless. I never knew how to handle a situation like that back then. Now if someone gives me one of those looks I call them on it. Who the hell do they think they are. If they don’t get it or don’t understand then they should say so. I’ve learned that if all a person can manage in such a situation is a stupid look or blank stare then they probably aren’t worth talking to anyhow.

I have met quite a few good people on the internet in one form or another. If I vanished though I would likely just be one less piece of data to them. I kind of want to matter to someone and have that feeling that’s so hard to find.

Truth be told I have no idea what I would do in place of messing around on the internet. My social skills are incredibly lacking in most situations. I can get by… but the crowd I go with itself isn’t terribly social friendly.

I think maybe the time has come for me to walk away from the virtual world altogether. I need something real, something to hold onto. I don’t think I’m going to find that on the internet. Some people might say I need to strike a balance. The problem is most of these people have never been as deep into the abyss of the internet as I have. Withdrawn to a point where nobody even wants to try and help you anymore.

What brought this about? Another in a long line of incidents. Watching people, learning what things mean, interpreting them. I have been doing this my whole life. Hoping to understand how other people work in hopes of figuring myself out. For quite some time I would simply force myself to ignore the data I gleamed off of peoples actions. Let myself hope I was wrong. False hope is no longer an option. I’m tired of being right about these things. I’m tired of not taking action when it is due.

I’ve lost a lot this year. Time will see to it that I lose more. I need to find something… something to keep me moving on into the future.

I keep saying to myself in my head: 

“There’s always Plan B” “What’s Plan B?”  “There is no plan B.”

I"m not even sure what exactly It means …

I’m not making any changes yet. I’m going to let the universe take another kick at the ball that is my life. I don’t hold out much hope though. I think this time I probably need to make the leap.

anime girls

So I have this thing. I like the ladies that like the technology. Specifically the ones that like anime n’ such.  I don’t know very many but the ones I do know I like quite muchly. o_o

Recently started talking with a lady who is quite into Japanese type things. I’ve started to find these types of things quite interesting myself and have been spending time reading up on them. Makes me wish I had learned another language when I was young.

I started writing this mostly because my brain sort of stalled out and I’m trying to get it going again. >.>

wind… doh’s 7

So I upgraded my laptop from vista to win 7. Why? Because my laptop ran like a bag of crap with vista on it.

The upgrade took a bit of time… I started it at 10:30pm and at 2:30am it was still going. To be fair I did an upgrade instead of a clean install.

I’m writing this entry using windows live writer just to see how it goes.

I’m not a big fan of the task bar and start menu. In previous versions of windows I always just set it to the old style. Not sure how or if you can do that in this version.

the impression that i get.....

I've always sort of been aware of my ability to create bad first impressions. Any sort of impression for that matter. It's a skill honed over many a year of being just plain terrible at social situations.

Most of my long time friends/acquaintances are aware of this ability and have either accepted it or written me off as a lost cause.

I even manage to surprise myself sometimes though. Oh boy! Curse you bottle caps and black light!!! lol Couple that with references to things nobody else has ever heard of and ..... magic! I truly am out of touch with most people.

So yeah, I haven't made a post in some time... I went through quite a bit of a change thought wise recently. Went to rock bottom and then back up. Paid off my debt from college and I am working on saving money to get a place and get on with my life (whatever that means).

I'm usually not much of a decision maker. My natural type of personality is to let someone else take the lead to avoid stress. Put me in a situation where nobody else will take the lead or things are uncertain and I tend to jump in and takeover.

I think this is an oldest child response to situations. The catch is, I got a dose of it again last night and I kind of realized I like it. I'm going to skip the waiting for people to take charge part and just do it myself for awhile. I don't really have any "real" stress right now and any that I create or imagine can be handled. I think I've grown up a little. I guess it makes sense I am almost 30 . :O aaaah!

Normally after a night like last night I'd be depressed and ready to crawl into a hole, this time, I just gotta laugh. All the stress of the situation kinda just blew up in my face and I cracked up all the way home. I mean murphy's law was in full effect. I'm pretty sure there are two, maybe three more people in the world now that think I'm mental. lol :)

I then spent the majority of the night and into the early morning chatting with people and watching videos on youtube or playing bejewelled blitz. Went to sleep around 4:30am and slept till about 3 in the afternoon.

Hanging out with some normal people was a bit of a wake up call. Man am I a dork! Not that there's anything wrong with that all of you dorks out there reading this. :) lol I just plain have very little to relate to normal people with. Sort of a catch 22 I guess.

Yeah! Go me. I'm probably going to write more for awhile. Keep my thoughts out there so I can look back on them later. Plus with all the people reading this I'll likely get some good/bad feedback to help me keep going.

/o.o/ woosh!

the least interesting man in the world? not yet, but i'm getting there.

Sigh... this is way too much me.

Ahh well :p

my train of thought flew off the tracks

I haven't been writing here much.... obviously. The main reason being that I have been unable to maintain a steady train of thought for long enough to warrant trying to write. The other reason is I've mostly just come home and gone to sleep early lately.

I have been commenting on other peoples blog entries though. I feel its a nice thing to do, lets people know someone is out there. Plus, Amy for instance, is making all kinds of good entries.

Right now though I'm hopped up on coffee and have too much on my mind to sleep.

I just saw an accident on Hwy #10 near side road 20 outside of Holland Centre. I couldn't see any of the vehicles. Too many flashing lights/fire trucks to get a clear view. Two ambulances went by me on their way to Owen Sound with their lights flashing though. Hopefully nobody was hurt badly.

:/ the night is being indifferent

Can't sleep at night. Too much on my mind.

Ever wonder what the point of all of this is? I do, more and more each day.

How do people do it?

My nephew is sleeping across the hall with my sister because my other sister (his mom) got the night shift at chapmans. He just started crying. He sounds pretty miserable. Probably has this same cold that everyone else is getting.

Looked out the window into the back yard and saw a few silhouettes of animals walking around. Couldn't really tell what they were.

I went to go out and get the flashlight from the van and take a look and got to meet a dumb bat who was busy flying around the light on the front deck. I watched it for a bit, zip zip, smack crash, repeat. Probably trying to eat the bugs flying around the light I'm guessing. It didn't leave when I turned the light off anyhow.

Going to try and sleep again shortly. Can't tell if it's the cold or not but it feels like its a bit harder to breathe than it should be tonight.

the music of rain

So this entry has nothing to do with it's title. Well maybe a little.


COFFEE BEANS, BEANS THE MAGICAL FRUIT

I run on coffee now. I didn't drink it for years but now I drink it too much I think. I have a coffee meter as it runs down so does my ability to function.

Now and then I'll stop drinking it for awhile but the withdrawal knocks me down for a bit. :/


ROCK AND OR CHRISTIAN ROLL

Somehow I started listening to this Relient K band. Why? Well, mostly because it reminds me of some of the other bands like it. Also, the whole C-Rock thing reminds me of some people I grew up with.


DRIVING AROUND TOWN IN A GREEN TRUCK

Never mind just town. I've been driving everywhere. :) Got my camera with me most of the time now so I can get some neat pictures. Today I got some pics of two storm fronts smashing into each other in OS. It made for some crazy clouds and a torrential downpour but it didn't last long. I was hoping for something cool like a tornado. :/


Random Computer Repairs R' Me

Several times lately I've been called upon out of the blue to fix various peoples computer related problems. It provides social interaction so that's OK with me.

extending the banana bread branch

Banana bread. It might not do a body good but it tastes like life.

I also just at this very moment found out that it tastes really good with coffee. 20 something years of eating it and I learned that today. Why am I drinking coffee at 10:00 at night, because I got it earlier and then forgot about it.

So anyways. What exactly makes people tend to dislike me so much? :) Sure I know a lot of the answers. Just some people dislike me straight off the get go. It doesn't bother me anymore, it's more out of curiosity that I wonder. This might be opening up a can of worms but worms can be fun and useful. They aerate soil and you can use them to catch fish.

I can get along with most people and I've learned how to deal with those that I can't.

[There is always the exception to the rule. So ye who breaks the rules. What's the deal?]


=-=-=-=-=-

Now for some things that have been going through my head for the last few hours.

For the first giant part of my life every friend I had just was there and that's how it went. Either we grew up together or went to school together. Didn't go out much or visit friends because there were 4 of us at home. Mom took care of us and Dad went to work. I learned to make my own fun.

Now I tend to have to work quite a bit harder to make friends. Always right off the start it's a battle usually.

I have an abrasive persona yet a thoughtful and caring personality. (not my words but if the shoe fits)

My persona is made up of a mishmash of the varying array of characters that make up my family. Mom/Dad, aunts, uncles, cousins and close family friends.

The part of me that is just me. It cares about my family and friends and is fiercely loyal. Your family always eats first. That is a strong lesson that's burned into me and I respect it. Growing up my Mom would talk about her dad and that lesson. You don't piss money away on frivolous stuff if your family is hungry.

I still to this day can't make myself buy anything expensive without a good reason. Food though I can and always have, bought for me and my family/friends freely.

Another thing that is a big part of me I gained from my dad. Learn from your past. He didn't want his kids growing up with a father stumbling around drunk like his dad. So he stopped drinking pretty much until we were all at the age we could decide for ourselves. I remember the day he made that choice and it stuck with me, it always will. Willpower is a tricky thing but when you take control it can be a profound experience.

All of this and more is in my head right now. Lots of things have happened lately that have me rethinking many of my life choices.

I'm actually changing things I don't like. Change, you can fight it but sometimes it's better for everyone to embrace it.

grand theft produce

So I assume most people have seen trailer park boys at least once.

Today I saw the Owen Sound version of something that happens in that show quite often. I drove up to zehrs and I saw a lady with some kids and a heaping cart full of groceries ram jamming them into her vehicle. I said to myself, "Self, that's a lot of groceries and she's brutalizing them, she must be frustrated trying to fit them in that vehicle."

Then I see one of the employees walking up to her so I figure oh that's nice he's going to help her. Hmm he doesn't seem to be helping and now she's hopping in her car and taking off. Weird.

As I'm walking up to the store I hear part of what the employee was saying to another one. "I walked up to her and I was like, you didn't pay for those did you and her daughter ran into the car and started it and she just took off but I got the license plate."

Crazy. This just reminded me of the Jon-o-vision guy from trailer park boys blatantly stealing groceries. That lady just had some straight up balls to be pulling that shit. Makes you wonder how many times she's done it before.



In other news I've been trying to be less of a jerk. It's not as easy as it sounds.

the green truck with no name

So I've been enjoying driving around in my new to me truck. Good times. It's about the same on gas as my car used to be for road driving but really sucks it up if I drive around town.

People are jerks. I know I'm a people and a jerk.

My car was know widely as the carmobile. Like the batmobile only the flames didn't shoot out of it on purpose. Many a person learned how to drive and did their final road test in it. It was a well used and abused car.

Now I need to come up with a name for my truck. I'm slightly reluctant to name it though. It feels like a temporary vehicle still.

It's kind of old, temperamental, makes a lot of random noises and doesn't seem to like me that much. Maybe I'll call it Amy for awhile. :D lol burn.........!!

I started drinking coffee this year and now I drink it randomly. That's not to say I haven't bought a lot of it just I used to get other people the coffee and I'd grab an ice capp.

I only seem to ever drink tim hortons coffee. For being a giant nationwide chain you'd think they'd have at least a little consistency in the quality of their coffee.

Some of them are consistently bad though. Here's a list of a few cause I'm bored.

Thornbury: They have never mixed any of the coffee's I've got there. I don't like this one much at all.

Old west side one in OS: This place regularly just gives out wrong orders. They'll be labelled on the lids right but what's inside is a roll of the dice it seems.

Southampton: Not that bad, just usually really busy.

Durham: This place is random as heck, can be good or bad. I don't go there much anymore.

Meaford across from McDonald's: Meh, not bad. Usually a long line up.

Hanover near the one end of town: This place is always packed when I go there.

Here's a story about the Hanover one.

One time we were in a huge line up. (we had been working in town)
We get up to where there's just one car in front of us.
They pull up to the window.
A little old lady gets out.
She goes to her back door and gets her purse from the back seat.
Then she goes back and stands at the window and starts counting out her pennies.
She then walks to the back door, opens it, puts her purse back and back to the window she goes.

This is where she talked to her passenger and then repeated the getting the purse thing and penny counting (I assume she ordered something else for them).

She puts the purse back again. Gets into her car and sits there. They try to pass her order out the window but she can't reach so she gets out of the car again and proceeds to hand the things one at a time to her passenger.

The passenger starts getting agitated at this point. I figured it was for having to hold stuff... but wait ... what the ?

She then goes around the car to the passenger side back door and gets a coat out. Then she opens the passenger door. A little old man gets out, hands her the stuff he was holding. He puts the coat on and gets back in.

She tries to hand him the stuff but the door keeps swinging shut. He rolls the window down and she hands him the things through the window.

Finally she walks back around and gets in the car and proceeds to fly out into the intersection turning right with her left blinker on cutting of a car in the process.

It was something to see. I was waiting for one of those candid camera guys to pop out at any time and laugh at us or the people at the counter.

You could hardly be mad at this point because it was just too damn funny.

:)

i like the night

It's one of those beautiful nights. Cool, wet and full of noises.

It's been too weird lately to write stuff here. I don't know what's going on with my brain from one day to the next.

I haven't been tired at night for a couple weeks now. I'm more awake at night than I am during the day.

I have become a night person. :/ weird

sitting

I haven't spewed much gibberish this blogs way lately. The main contributing factor to this is that sitting is a royal pain in my back. Well not so much the sitting as the standing up after.

The slight back injury I had that healed up and had my back feeling better than ever.... well that was just a cruel joke and now it hurts to stand up from a sitting or laying down position. Like... stand up (someone stabs you in the spine) and then as you walk it's like they slowly pull the knife out and you feel better.


Zoom Zoom Zoom

So I poked the bear. Ya I did it. No I didn't do it with malice. But sometimes you just have to poke the bear whether you want to or not. It might get angry and gnaw off your hand or slash you open and your guts all spill out but sometimes feeling crappy is better than not feeling at all.

The problem with poking the bear is that bears have long memories and they will probably stop by now and then to mess up your campsite when you least expect it.

yeah, so... yeah

Anyhoo, I was going to lock this blog down and walk away but it's the internet and in the interest of personal growth I've decided not to.

I had enough of people calling me a stalker. :p I mean in jest its fine cause that's all it was. I never made an active effort aside from reading whatever popped up on facebook or the google reader thing. This isn't even directed at one person, you know who you are, so if you still read this I hold no grudge or anything. That's not how I am.

One thing I've learned in this life is it is often times quite simple just to move on. After awhile it doesn't even hurt. I'm way past that stage.

So as I've said before I'm effectively down to no friends that I ever see in real life. I'm basically back to where I was in my life up till college. I didn't care about anyone aside from my family and friends, didn't understand how people could get worked up over relationships and couldn't understand why people just didn't walk away. I would look at those sorts of situations and just laugh or feel pity.

Well then didn't I fall into the whole world. Got dragged down, loved on and kicked around. I have a knack for getting into such situations and not knowing when to call it quits. I think it's the part of me that just never wants to give up on anyone or anything. There isn't much I wouldn't do for friend or family.

It comes down to that life has a way of coming back around and I've learned that it isn't such a bad thing. I have my family and what's left of my friends. I don't see some of them often if ever but they are true.

As for keeping some thoughts to myself or with God. Well I don't have any thoughts right now that I care to keep bottled up from people and God already knows them all anyways.

I'm going with letting the truth flow right on through me and the openness that brings is amazingly liberating. :)

Peace world. :)

something totally deep and profound... or maybe just silly

It's no secret, I am weird. As such I sometimes weird people out. Plus also I'm not much to look at which really doesn't help the weirdness factor. Even when I'm in shape at best I can get a Shrek level of good looks going on. I'm not complaining, I like me. Just not many other people do, specifically females.
Which one is which? :D lol

You know how they say "When they were handing out brains he thought they said trains and said No Thanks". Well that's kind of how I view my situation. It's like when they were handing out normal I thought they said formal and said "No Thanks I hate suits, too stuffy".


And another thing....

In response to Aimers blog. I didn't watch Dawsons creek growing up. That show just plain bugged me. I developed my inner dialog and tendancy to spew out gibberish in one form or another because that's who I am. If it wasn't for this blog I'd be talking someones ear off or just thinking in my head alone. :)

As for the saying something profound each blog. Well, I'd rather just make people laugh. :)

Missing the grand picture of life though. By writing out your thoughts to share with others. I don't know about that. Sometimes people can offer a different perspective on a situation and help you get things straight. At least that's what I hope for sometimes. Then again I'm all for the silly fun.

As for the couch that smells like smelly animal. Maybe one of those nifty steam cleaner things. That or just febreeze it >.> I'm not a huge fan of febreeze though.

Just be glad it isn't full of spiders. I slept on a couch from grade 9 to grade 11 mostly and one night I woke up and there were tiny spiders all over me. Naturally this freaked me out a bit so I tried to think of somewhere else to sleep then I got lazy and sprayed bugspray on the inside part and then put the cushions back and a big ass blanket over the whole couch. Then I went back to sleep. I figured, meh, it's just spiders.

And yet another thing.... riddle me this

I'm rarely at a loss for words in real life. In fact most of the time people tell me I never shut up. This is in response to the comment response to a comment I made in response to a blog post. It really stuck in my head for some reason. Kinda bugged me. I can find something to talk about and get along with almost anyone. I felt mildy offended lol :)

Here is a link to the blog/blogger I'm talking about so people know what I just rambled about. LINK OF DOOM... and kittens!

board games o_O

Way before Pong, cavemen played primitive videogames made from cardboard and dice. - collegehumor.com headline for a video

I think that is hilarious. :)

I miss playing board games. The problem is that having small children around sort of limits your choices on games you can play. They are going to want to join in and most of the time they just can't handle the complexity. Once they get older it will be awesome but that's quite a way off.

Ever notice how I type smiley emoticons a lot. I tend to use them almost like punctuation. This is a side effect of having unlimited internet access at a young age. When most people I knew barely understood what the internet was I was cruising around on it with my 2400baud and then 14.4kbps modem.

It didn't have the vast quantities of quality information it has on it now. It wasn't as graphically intense either and common personal computer speeds were more around the 33mhz(low end) to 100mhz (top end). It did have a lot of porn back then even. >.> or so I heard. Good old interwebs.

it's like being stuck in a song

I was awake for far longer than I should have been last night.
Spent most of the day working with the weight of sleep deprivation dragging me down.

My body is in better condition then it has been in quite some time.
I am far from in shape but even farther from my previous state.

It is quite a challenge sometimes to determine whether I am acting or not acting
based on self-doubt or because it is the most prudent course.

Being observant of things can be both beneficial and damning at the same time.
Process the information, maybe you got it right? Maybe you jumped to conclusions.

I've been known to zone out completely in certain situations. Mostly at gatherings.
Stuck on a thought. The world fades away, nothing else registers. So alone in there.

What is there to fear in this life aside from being alone? That's the worst thing.
Family and friends make life worth living. Love is all that keeps me in this life.

Time can fly by so fast or it can move painfully slow. Sometimes it's as if it stops.
It never truly stops though and all you can do is learn to move with it.

Some people think I don't think very much before I do something. Looks unplanned.
I tend to think ahead about random things a lot. Leaves me well prepared sometimes.

I'm not sure what this two lines thing is about. It just happened. Things happen.
Plans are made, broken, mended and amended. Sometimes there isn't a plan.

I'm going to stop now and get some sleep. A new day is coming and I want to be ready.

rambling "on about stuff" man

Here is a comprehensive Guide to dating. Not really! But it sure is funny kind of.

I particularly like this line...

"Say if you were gonna call someone, from what number would you be calling from?"


Anyhoo.... O_O

I've been listening to the Rascal Flatts album I got quite a bit. This surprises me , seeing as before I got it I was listening non stop to Nofx albums. Keeps me thinking about the good things in life. The song Skin (Sarabeth) damn near brings a tear to my eye every time. Not many songs do that.

So a person who shall remain nameless commented on how they had way too much time to think on a drive recently.

I have this same issue only I haven't been on a long drive in awhile. The drive I've been doing to Owen Sound and back though seems to be enough though.

Spring has sprung on the road to where I'm going

With great amounts of driving comes great amounts of thinking.

- I feel good lately, physically and mentally
- Seems like I should be doing something all the time
- I'm liking working hard again
- I love the sunshine this time of year
- I'd like to meet new people and date again


The future is wide open and it's kind of scary but that's okay.

no jam like toe jam

No I don't have toe jam but it made for a good topic.

What I do have is an annoying weird out of place oddball, what I believe to be a toe fungus thing, on my one big toe. Three dots on my right foot only.

It doesn't make any sense for it to be where it is. Ah well. Tinactin it is!

So it was a nice day out. A bit of a chilly breeze up at Balmy Beach where I was working though. Was nice and sunny to make up for it.